Living With Purpose

Ever since I was little, I felt this overarching presence in my life that weighed on me. What is my purpose? I can’t tell you how long I fretted over this big question, feeling confused and pressured to figure it all out. It felt like there were so many options and paths that all felt like they could be right, but I didn’t know which one was “right” and which ones were “wrong.”

I chose the paths that made the most sense to me at the time— the logical ones. I was going through the motions, setting and achieving goals, but something major was missing. Eventually, I couldn’t ignore, hide, or run from it any longer. There was a massive void in my life. And that void was purpose.

What’s the point? I kept asking myself. Why was I setting these goals for myself? Why was I working myself into the ground to achieve them? Did I even want to?

I took a step back and looked at my life far into the future. If I continued on this path, where would I end up? Would I be happy? Fulfilled? Would I be proud of the work I was doing? I realized that although I was good at what I did, it wasn’t my passion. I didn’t love it. I was doing what I thought the world wanted from me, not what I wanted for myself. And it was making me miserable and depressed.

At this point, these questions just kept getting louder and louder. What’s the point? What’s the point? I always wanted to do something that mattered, whatever that means. For me, I knew it wasn’t something I could do from a cubicle in the corporate world. Funnily enough, that was something I knew as a child. I remember saying I could never work at a cubicle! I would hate that. I don’t even know if I knew what a cubicle was, but my soul knew. I ignored those innate knowings and went down that path anyway. I saw where you end up when you ignore your intuition.

When I got into spirituality, I found solace, but at the same time, I felt a new level of pressure for figuring out what my purpose was. As if it was a singular, be-all-end-all kind of thing. I obsessed over it, thinking and worrying day after day, month on end, trying to figure out what the hell I was meant to do with my very limited time here on this planet. But the more I searched, the more lost I felt. I would commit and falter over and over again, terrified I would choose the wrong thing. The indecision and confusion was debilitating and I completely stagnated in my life.

Deep down, somewhere buried but not completely inaccessible, I knew what the answer was— at least, one of the answers. At that point in my life, I equated purpose with career. I had always wanted to be a writer but I was absolutely petrified of admitting that to myself and pursuing it. Finally, I came to terms with myself and acknowledged it was what I wanted. It was what I needed. I lacked confidence and motivation but I promised myself that I would do it. I would do it for all of the younger versions of me. I owed it to myself to give it an honest try, and if it didn’t work out, then I wouldn’t live with the regret of not having tried at all. When I decided I was going to write a book, it gave me a new sense of purpose. I had something meaningful that I was creating.

Since then, I’ve learned so much about purpose. Earlier I said that I used to equate purpose with career, and I think a lot of people do that. But our purpose isn’t a job we work. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. Our purpose can be expressed and shared through our career choices.

Working for myself on my own endeavours, and no longer being in school, I had complete freedom with my time and no schedule or routine, which was both incredible and incredibly challenging. I had to give meaning to my days. I had to decide how I would spend my time. Without purpose, life lacks meaning and direction. I already knew what that felt like (not good). I had to discover for myself what lit me up inside, what I was passionate about, what I could spend all day doing and not be sick and tired of it. When you realize the answer to those questions, it feels like hitting the jackpot. If I could feel like that everyday, I could get through the challenges and hard days because it feels worth it.

It’s my personal belief that everyone on earth has a purpose that their soul decided upon before incarnating. Everyone has some kind of special gift, a talent, a skill, that is meant to be developed, expressed, and shared with the world. Some people are painters, some are basketball players, some are pianists, some are intellectuals, some are scientists, some are mathematicians, some are bakers, some are knitters. Everyone has a creative gift and through these gifts we discover our passion and purpose. Time disappears and you enter a magical flow state where you and your creative talent are intertwined. There is no separating the dancer from the dance. You yourself are magic, and you are also the maker of magic.

But then I felt confused again because I knew my purpose was to be a writer, but I also felt like I had other purposes too, other things that I was so magnetically drawn to that I couldn’t imagine life without it— didn’t want to imagine a life without it.

And then I had a thought I’ve had many times before. I don’t want to be just one thing. That’s something I’ve always struggled with. I have too many interests, too many sides to me, too many complexities to comfortably sit in a neat, little box. For the first time, another thought arose: Who said I have to be just one thing? We are all multidimensional. There is more than one purpose in life and multiple truths can coexist at the same time. It’s the only way it made sense to me. Maybe you were meant to be a teacher, but you were also meant to surf. Maybe you’re a boxer, but you were also meant to travel. Maybe you were meant to be a CEO, but you were also meant to be a parent. To choose between purposes is like choosing between whether you’d prefer to keep your arms or your legs. I’d like to keep them both, thanks.

What followed was a deeper level of realization. That our purpose is not what we do, but more importantly, it’s who we are. You are here to be your fullest self. If you weren’t meant to be you, you wouldn’t be you you’d be somebody else. That’s where a lot of our suffering comes from, trying to be somebody else. And we can never keep that up for long. Eventually, at some point, life forces the game of charades to end.

You are here to be, to experience, to feel— the good, the joyful, the bad— yes, the painful, too, you are here to experience and feel. Why? Because it gives life depth. Would you know the good days without the bad? Would you learn all you needed to without them both? Would you grow and evolve to the heights you can reach without them? How boring it would be to simply skip the journey and reach the destination. We watch movies from the beginning to know the story and the people, we don’t watch the last five minutes to find out what happens. When we do that, we find ourselves saying: so what? Well, the what is all the part you skipped!

You are here to love, to enjoy, to share, to connect, to learn, to teach, to inspire, to help others.

You are here to grow and evolve.

You are here to shine your light and make the world a little brighter.

Sometimes, our purpose can change over time. Maybe we are only meant to serve one purpose for a period of time before we’re needed somewhere else. Maybe not. Either way, it is okay.

I believe in fate as much as I believe in free will. And that leads me to my final point about purpose: our purpose is whatever we decide it to be.

I think sometimes we get so sucked into our fate that we let it control our destiny. But never forget the power you have. There is no separating the dancer from the dance. You yourself are magic, and you are also the maker of magic. You can choose a new path at any time. You can decide what you will commit yourself to. You can create purpose for yourself where there was once no purpose at all. You are the maker of your life. Things have meaning because we assign meaning to them. How will you assign meaning to your life? Don’t look around the room and see how other people are answering the question, it doesn’t matter. Meaning is different to us all. You can decide: starting from today, I will sew clothes and blankets for the homeless and this will be my purpose. Or perhaps: I will travel and see distant lands. Or even: everyday I will be my silliest self! It doesn’t need to be serious. It could also be the most gravely serious declaration. It is entirely up to you. There is no right or wrong, there is no reward or punishment. There are decisions and consequences. You cannot choose wrong.

Just do one thing for me— no, do it for you— have the courage to embrace your authentic self and let that light shine. How else will we all find each other in the dark?